It is a slow descent into madness

John Byron Texts from a madman Leave a Comment

Ancient alien theorists say aliens helped the union win the civil war.
Aliens have been guiding the USA since the Rev. War.
The aliens gave Lincoln a vision of his death
The aliens helped the Union beat Lee by appearing as a vision of Washington and guided them away from certain death.
Scott needs to become an Ancient alien theorist because the shit they got is way better than Scotty’s.

I think I am going to hide my sack, take a picture of the junk. Then I am going to try to do the online fundraiser thing.
I will paint some golf balls silver and try to get crowd funding for my new bionic balls. My after picture will be my balls in the picture again. Should be good for 10K or so. You can
hit them, nothing. You can kick them, nothing. You could play a musical number before you do it, guaranteed to put her, or him, in the mood.

I bring it up to you because I need someone to do the “after” demonstration, and I will cut you in for 5% of whatever I get.

I think the ball idea is a good one and it might work out a little better if we get some help from the aliens.
I only want the stuff from the ancient alien theorist dude with the hair that looks there was a squirrel orgy in it.

So… Humans
Good idea though. I could put a LED or two on the balls. You still have those ice cube things I gave you?
I’m already using them on my balls
If you are in on the partnership I need you to make sure your ball hair is long enough to hide a LED or two.

I say “But I shave my balls!!!”

Where wld the LEDs go? It doesn’t seem practical.

I say “I will have to go back to the drawing board now. Or at the very least… Stop shaving.”

You are putting too much thought for only 5%. I will bump it up to 8.5%. But I will not be touching them

I say “Ok, deal.”

I kind of got grossed out for a second. I thought why would John shave his balls when he is such a hairy mf.
Then a picture popped in my mind of Bigfoot with his groin shaved…wearing shape-ups of course.

I say “They make my butt look good!”

Don’t know, don’t look at a lot of dude’s asses. I am homophobic don’t you know. Uffda

I say “I do know that.”

Heels would probably make my legs look good, but it doesn’t mean I should go buy a pair.

Wiser words have never been spoken. “If you cannot get hired for a job you work for free, you should give up.”

So…do you ever have one if those moments where you just got done celebrating your first win of the season?
Just enough of a buzz to elevate your usual dark mood?
Then you finish up some work, log into email, see an Alpha All from you good friend with the same wicked cool sense of humor.
Of course you have to respond with something cleverly sarcastic. (Sic) you know the reference.
Then you are watching Dudley Moore and the legendary Daryl Hannah the the cinematic masterpiece, Crazy People…and you think OH FUCK, did I just reply all?

I wittingly reply “The Freak – It will fuck you up for life!!!”

I shit you not kemosabe, I think I gave myself a heart attack.
Obviously I am not as cleverly sarcastic as I thought I was.
Fucking Dudley Moore and his asesome action d…awesome acting distracting me.
In case you didn’t know, kemosabe doesn’t come up as a word in autocorrect. What’s up with that?

…check you email for the rest of that bit. I put a lot if thought into finding just the right one.
Sorry couldn’t figure out how to chop up the video for just the joke part.

I cannot lie, it was the first one that come up in the search.
If it wld have bn Carrot Top, Hilary Clinton and James Franco,
I wild have sent it. Remember though, it’s the thought that counts.

John ByronIt is a slow descent into madness

Heaven and flames

John Byron Texts from a madman Leave a Comment

I just realized I may be a sociopath. But as I said the other day, its okay to have a lower hanging ball.             1/30/15, 6:15 PM
I bet u can’t use gay in France for gay people.

That would be le gay

Probably couldn’t do that in the old days, when there were not as many buildings, either.
What is le in french,? Th

The mayor and police chief of my town need to drink with me. A fucking douche and a female cop. The cop let me drive her car though. So now I have the testicle thing and driving a cop car going for me.

Drunk high and watching 4th grade basketball practice. It is like heaven with flames.

John ByronHeaven and flames


John Byron Texts from a madman Leave a Comment

I did spray solarcaine on my ass once because it was so raw from the trots in the eighties. It was only after I regained consciousness that I read the can and learned that there is a lot of isopropyl alcohol in that can.

Don’t ever do that.

But in my defense, I was in a bit of a fugue state.

John ByronSolarcaine

6mm man

John Byron Texts from a madman Leave a Comment

I dl’d a new messaging app. Maybe it want truncate now. I feel like I can type faster. I am like the middle-aged Steve Austin, with a slightly bigger belly. And less hair.

Yeah it wax the app.
Obviously not wax, but was. I wasn’t texting about the Korean Judy karate guy the likes Italian boys. Depraved asians

Did ur butthole ever itch so bad that you had to stick ur finger in ur ass and itch it? Then u rubbed so long it started to bleed? Then the next day u poooo and there is blood on the toilet paper from the damage ur hang nail caused during the previous days excursion?

Me either, just in case u were wondering.

U get that the Steve Austin statement was bout the 6MM man and not the wrestler. I hope so cause I don’t joke about my wrestlin’

John Byron6mm man

Gotham Musings

John Byron Texts from a madman Leave a Comment

My Thought of the Day: Batman doesn’t carry a gun but flies in his jet that shoots missiles and bullets. Kind of hypocritical.

 Actually it is probably more of a muse than a thought. Maybe an observation.
John ByronGotham Musings

The Colonel’s Dick

John Byron Texts from a madman Leave a Comment

Watching Die Hard and trying to figure out which one I like the most. Like them all, except for 2. Reason is they show the Colonel’s dick and I don’t like that. An example… I do not like watching porn unless the dude has a small dick and never pulls it out of the vagina. And only from the top POV shots

John ByronThe Colonel’s Dick

Condensed red blood cells

John Byron Texts from a madman Leave a Comment

John are u still sick? Eat some bone broth from a midget tardo Eskimo. Read because they are tarded up and midget, their red blood cells are more condensed and that means healthy. Might help u feel better. Drinking bone marrow and what not.

As low not as it does
not make me an Eskitard.

That’s funny because it sounds like legwear

John ByronCondensed red blood cells


John Byron Texts from a madman Leave a Comment

I am sick enough to have to go to the doctor.

It is like the beginning of a cheap horror movie. Eerily quiet, the only sounds are occasional cc machine going off and Neil Diamond playing in the background. Mom and her kid walk in, kid is barfing up a lung, Mom tells him to cover his mouth. He did not cover his mouth, microscopic germs richoeting everywhere. Fuckers come and sit by me, snot bucket starts coughing again.

I probably have Ebola now and I will be squirting blood like the Ceaser fountain out of my nipples in a few.

John ByronEbola